I’m not a winner, Nanay.

I never thought that those few words could hurt me so much. It broke my heart. Really tore me into pieces.

I'm not winner, Nanay.

You see, last month we attended an event. They had a mini contest. They called out mums and their kids and made us dance. Before the actual performance, may practice pa coz tinuro sa amin ang steps ng dance craze that we are supposed to perform.

My daughter is the ultimate performer. If you follow me on social media, alam nyong totoo yan. She could dance and sing. And so during the "practice", todo bigay sya. She was dancing and performing and she was having so much fun.

But during the actual performance - actually okay naman sa simula but in the middle of the dance she just stopped and hugged me. So alam nyo na! Ayun! Talo! Nyahaha!

It's okay with me actually because she's really the youngest. But to be honest, I was disappointed. Because I know she could do better. She's very good at dancing. And she could memorize an entire dance step and song number agad agad.

So what happened?

I asked her, she said, she was tired. She got tired. Probably also because there are a lot of people watching us. And probably because todo bigay nga sya nung practice.

But then, when the winners were called and we are not one of them - she said those words. And it hurts me so much.

She was so disappointed. Like she knew in her heart that she could've won if only...

And honestly ang sakit. Ang sakit bes. I've had loads of disappointment in my life. Ilang beses na din akong natalo. Di ko na ata mabilang. A lot of them are painful. But this is probably the most painful one. Because my daughter lost too.

Ganun pala talaga. Mas masakit sa Nanay yung pagkatalo.

I also feel bad kasi I was disappointed. Did she felt it? Naramdaman ba nyang na-disappoint ako sa performance nya? Kaya na-disappoint din sya?

Gusto kong pumunta dun sa host at makiusap na tawagin ang anak ko as one of the winners. Kahit siguro bayaran ko sya masabi lang na nanalo ang anak ko gagawin ko. But I know hindi pwede. Hindi dapat.

Her Tatay was telling her na she won and that we'll give her the award nalang. But I said di dapat ganun. Our daughter should understand that she won't always win. Especially if she didn't give her best.

Di pwedeng ipilit namin na nanalo sya. So I told her na it's okay if she did not win kasi she got tired. Ganun talaga. She did not dance until the end so she didn't win. I told her na next time she should dance and give it her best if she wants to win. But still, winner or not she's our baby and we love her.

Winning means you have to work hard. And losing means you have to work harder next time.

I don't know if na-gets nya but after that small talk, she's better na. She's back to her old bubbly self. Pero grabe, tumatak sya sa akin.

Ang sakit. Ang sakit sabihin sa anak mo na hindi sya nanalo kasi di nya binigay yung best nya. Alam mo yun? Pero wala. I have to. I NEED to.

I know that she's young. But I know that we can't baby her all the time. Anyway, we never treat her like a baby. Never namin sya inuto. Never namin binigay lahat ng gusto nya.

I believe in honest parenting. And really, I'm not sure kung tama to. But it felt right. And so I am sticking into it. Sana lang, sana lang talaga I could raise my daughter well.

Pero ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit na gawin yung mga bagay na ganito para lang matuto ang anak ko. Kaya pala may mga magulang na binibigay nalang ang luho ng mga anak. Inuuto nalang ang mga anak. Because it's really painful. As a mother, as a parent, I want my daughter to be happy all the time.

But I know that it won't help her in the long run. She should accept defeat. She should understand that she should always give her best in everything kasi hindi lahat ibibigay sa kanya ng madali.

Ang hirap hirap maging Nanay. Ang sakit sakit. But this is my favorite role in life.