It's So Hard to Mother These Days

This whole COVID-19 situation has made motherhood extra extra difficult. Like, honestly! I feel like my head is constantly worrying about everything.

Am I giving my kids enough time?

Should I play with them more?

Kawawa naman 2 months ng walang kalaro.

Hindi ko na naman napagawa yung activities ni teacher.

Grabe! Naka-ilang oras ba sya sa gadget today? Di ko namalayan kasi may work ako.

Should I reduce my work hours? Dami ko talagang trabaho eh.

Di pa tapos bakuna ni #GabMazing.

Ie-enroll ko ba sya this year?

But I honestly can't teach her. Baka naman 1 year ma-stock. Kawawa naman.

And I've been talking to a lot of fellow mums. Buti nalang I made friends with some of her classmate's mum. And everybody have the same dilemma. Of course our kid's safety is our top priority. But their education is important too. Some says they'd homeschool but boy! I am not fit to homeschool my children.

I tried homeschooling the #FabSkye when she turned 1 year old until she's around 3. I was less busy then. I don't have PPD/anxiety. I am way way better mentally and physically and psychologically. But I still had difficulty. I had to give up when she turned 3 and enrolled her to an enrichment class for Reading and Mathematics at Eye Level. Ayun! Natuto ng bongga.

If there's one thing I'm good at, I think I'm good at finding a good school for my child. Her stint at Eye Level was pleasant. And she did learned a lot. Of course, her present school has been more than awesome.

Actually, they just sent some info about their plans for next school year. It's gonna be online learning from August to December. They have their own web-based online tool. They said it's gonna be a combination of live Meet meetings and some online instructional videos.

I've been spending several nights worrying about her online classes. Ang dami kong problema sa totoo lang.

First is, we live in a 30sqm studio unit. I have been working from home for 2 months and I swear it's not the most conducive to working. I am occupying this little space in the sofa and propped my laptop table while I indian seat in front of it. Binabalakang na ko sa pwesto kong ito.

Last time they had a zoom meeting, I make her sit on the dining table pero dahil madaming chenes sa dining table she ends up butingting everything on the table. Pero naka-follow padin naman sa instructions ni Teacher and she was able to finish her activities. Also, walang ginawa yung Tatay kundi sumilip sa camera. Hahahaha!

If she'll have online classes until December, I have to make sure that the house is conducive for learning. She has to have a proper table. I also have to check her tools. She's using my old laptop for some of her lessons that her teacher sends over since lockdown. Perfect yun in running the powerpoint presentation, watching the youtube videos, etc. But when we tried to Zoom, ayaw gumana ng camera. Ewan ko dun may topak ang camera. So the next meeting, she used her iPad na kasing tanda na nya. We could probably use a combination of that in the future. Like iPad for face to face, laptop for others or both. But I also noticed na ang hirap mag print ng mga bagay bagay. Hirap mag scan, send etc. So I was wondering if we should invest on a tablet with pencil. She's using mine since lockdown. Dun ko na kasi pinapasagutan mga worksheets nya para mas madali ipasa kay teacher. Pero akin kasi yun eh. Hahahaha! Nakita ko ang ganda at dali nung gadget na yun pero may pera pa ba ako?

I also worry about the fact that she doesn't know her teachers coz she's incoming grade 1. All new teachers, new lessons, new way of learning. Kayanin kaya ng anak ko eh 6 years old palang sya? Daming adjustments sa totoo lang.

But if I don't enroll her naman, for sure 1 year manonood ng TV to. I have work, okay? And hindi ko talaga maharap ang education nya. Nag aaway lang kami. Plus pagod na ko talaga after working everyday and taking care of the house and the baby. I just make her read 1 book before turning on the TV. Para at least sa reading ma practice padin. Easier also to make her read aloud kasi I don't have to hover over her. I just need to listen. If it doesn't make sense, I'd make her spell out the word and I'd help her. I don't even have to stand up. It's working for us so far. Pero paano naman ang Math, Science, Filipino, Mandarin? Waley na!

Okay, problema ko palang yan sa panganay ko ah.

Let's talk about my bunso. His vaccines. Waley. Di pa tapos. Di ko naman mailabas kasi di ko sure if nagki-clinic ang pedia nila kasi senior citizen na yun eh. Di ko din sure if may vaccine sa center. Plus, duh?! Di ko talaga nilalabas ng bahay mga anak ko.

Speaking of which, I feel so so so bad for my bunso. He is a boy with lotsa energy but he can't even play outside. Lately, we would bring him to the rooftop in the afternoon just so he could run. Natuto na nga yun maglakad these ECQ eh. Pero mukhang buong 2020 sya di makakalabas.

I also don't like na lumabas sila because duh? Have you read about that CNN post about COVID's effects on children in NYC? Parang Kawasaki disease daw. Scary! Plus di pa sya complete ng vaccine, how could I risk it?

Plus everyday, I worry that my kids would one day get sick. Thankfully for the past 2 months wala naman kahit anong episode ng sakit at all. Which is what I pray everyday, wag lang talaga sila magkasakit or maaksidente or anything that would require us to go to the hospital because di talaga pwede diba? Noon, konting lagnat na mag shoot up naka ER na kami. But ngayon, di pwede talaga. Baka sa ER pa makapulot ng COVID mga anak ko or kami. Plus we don't want to overwhelm our frontliners even more. So kung di naman kelangang kelangan, wag na talaga.

I won't mention anymore the financial issues we have. Kasi from multi-earning household naging single kami. I am the only one earning now and the bayarins didn't had ECQ naman. Tuloy tuloy sila. But we all know na ganun talaga and I still find myself lucky because despite everything, I have work padin and income. Okay na tayo dun.

Hay! I'm just so happy today because I was finally able to find my writing mojo. Parang nagbalik sya ng very very slight. For almost 2 years, I find it really difficult to write. As in walang lumalabas sa brains ko. But now, I got to write again. And it's so liberating. I miss this feeling!

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