Yes, It's Post Partum Depression!

I never thought I'd get Post Partum Depression. Baby Blues, probably. But PPD? I don't think so!

This is my second baby. I am more prepared and relaxed with motherhood. I know what to expect. And most of all, I am a strong independent woman.

But as they say, depression has no face. And when it hits you, it'll hit you real hard.

PPD

On my 3rd trimester, I was already feeling different. Mood swings are terrible. But I associate it with the fact that my pregnancy this time around is 10 times more difficult. My body aches like hell. I had carpal tunnel syndrome. And I had several episodes of bleeding. One was actually a threatened abortion.

Add the fact that I had to train my team and prep them for my maternity leave. I lug around heavy laptop all the time. And I'm attending meetings left and right.

Then the #FabSkye got really sickly since December last year. We we're in and out of ER. We we're doing check ups and follow ups and lab tests left and right. Her being sickly lasted until late February. We even had a Kawasaki Disease scare.

It. Was. Too. Much.

When I gave birth, I felt really really alone. I love my son so much but I was not happy. I always think about how difficult it is to take care of a newborn. Feeling ko, back to square one ako.

The CTS continued 2 months post partum. Imagine having to take care of a pre-schooler and a newborn with my wrists aching like hell.

And because we left my parent's house last January, managing the household added to my long list of issues. I was washing the dishes and cleaning the house despite all the pains.

I don't wanna admit it but I honestly resented being a new mum.

I ended up being a horrible mother to my daughter. There were nights when I would shout at my crying newborn baby. There are several nights where I'd break down and cry. As in hagulgol levels. I can see how worried my daughter was. She would hug me. Or rub my back as I cry and cry and cry.

I felt really alone because no one seems to care that I'm soooo tired and that my body aches like hell. Wala manlang magkukusa na kunin ang baby. No one except my mother and my aunt. So usually, my breakdowns would happen at night. When I'm soooo sleepy and tired and the pain is just unbearable.

All of those sleepless nights and pains (CTS, CS wound pain) triggered my anxiety.

You see, I had it way back in college. I was diagnosed with Hyperventillation Syndrome. And eventually, my hyperventillation syndrome turned into full-blown anxiety with some episodes of panic attacks.

But I was able to overcome them. But I think my PPD triggered it again. Now, I still do get anxiety attacks from time to time. And yes, insomnia too.

My anxiety and HVS now are much more difficult and debilitating compared when I had it during college. I would feel numb on my lips and my limbs. I won't be able to move. I'd palpitate like crazy and my lungs would feel like there's water in it instead of air. And my head just swirls with thoughts that I can't seem to block off. It was crazy. It IS still crazy. And I am honestly still struggling until now.

Though I am much more better, I know I am still not yet okay. I would still shout at my daughter for simplest things and I would still randomly get mad at my infant son just because he can't or won't sleep.

But I am fighting. Everyday. I am fighting real hard because of my kids. Though sometimes I feel like I'm fighting alone. With no one who could serve as my anchor. I mean, of course I am still here and fighting like crazy because of my kids. And they are the best anchors. But sometimes I feel like I need someone strong. Someone I can hold on to and just cry and be weak.

I guess my PPD is much more difficult because I've always been the strong one. Ang hirap umiyak sa Nanay ko because for the longest time, sa akin sila humuhugot ng lakas. It's so difficult to show everybody that I'm weak because I was always regarded as the strong one. Mahirap aminin na nasa stage ako ng buhay ko na pinakamahina ako.

I remember that I cried the hardest when my 5 year old daughter, upon seeing that I was crying while washing the dishes, went to me and hugged my butt while saying "Okay lang yan Nanay. Don't cry na. I am here. I will tell Gab to not cry too much so you won't get tired."

I cried like a baby that night. And I let my daughter cradle me like a baby. I was holding on to her tiny arms as I let those tears fall. Pakiramdam ko ang hina hina ko. And I just felt so glad that I have a daughter who hugged me when I'm in pain.

Until now, I would still randomly cry. I'd still hyperventillate. I'd experience crazy palpitations and my insomnia is at it's worst.

Yes, I am still struggling. Yes, I am not yet okay. But I am getting there. My OB advised me to relax and seek further help if I ever feel like I need it.

Right now, I don't want medication so I am trying to manage it on my own. I am still breastfeeding and being on meds is so much difficult. So on most days I'm just praying. Because right now, that's the best weapon I've got.

5 comments :

  1. Hugs sis! You know where to find me. It was great catching with you and see you real soon!

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  2. Thanks Aubrey! Posts like this make me extra conscious about the real risks of PPD for Kim especially with our daughter's impending arrival, hope you're holding up well :)

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  3. I remember how we were back in December - with Kakay always getting sick and Zayne's dengue scare. We thought that was the worst, but January came! I felt bad because I really wanted to help you, but my anxiety attacks came in as a surprise. So I do hope that our random visits and tsismisan via FB chat have helped you keep your sanity! Kasalanan 'to lahat ni Joie kasi iniwan niya tayo!!! :p But seriously, I know that our breakthrough is coming soon!!! :)

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  4. Cyberhuuuuuugs, sis! Di ko ma-imagine yang ganyang pinagdadaanan mo, it must be very hard and painful, physically and psychologically. Pero kapit ka lang. Your family and your kids need you. Kaya mo ulit i-overcome yan, sis, one step and one day at a time. Take care of yourself always. :)

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