When It's Also Hard For Ate

"Naihi na naman si Skye sa panty."

When I heard those words, blood rushed to my head. I stood up, got my trusty hanger and hit my firstborn.

"Gusto mo magkasakit? Gusto mo ma ospital? Bakit mo pinipigilan ang ihi mo? Kung kelan ka tumanda??!!"

I was so mad. So so mad. Ano bang problema ng batang to? Why is she being difficult? Ilang beses ng sinabi na wag magpigil ng ihi. And she never had issues with it. Ngayon lang. Ngayon pa that I have a newborn, and my body aches like hell.

And I remember how extra difficult my daughter has been the past few weeks. Mahirap sawayin. She would do exactly the opposite of what I tell her. Her teacher also told me na inirapan daw sya ni #FabSkye.And that she cried non-stop just because the teacher told her to stop playing. Hindi ganon ang anak ko.

I also realized that I hit my daughter for the 3rd time that week. And that I was always hitting her out of anger and frustration. Something I never used to do.

You see, our family practice corporal punishment. I prayed about it. I tried to read as much. I asked around. And most of all, I followed my gut feel. I noticed that corporal punishment is effective for us. AS LONG AS WE NEVER DO IT OUT OF ANGER. Everytime I would spank my daughter, it is always sa pwet and only 1-2 palo. More if hindi agad dumapa. And then we would explain bakit sya napalo.

But on the weeks before I gave birth and right after, I noticed that I was hitting her often. Most of the time, out of anger or frustration.

As I hug my sleeping daughter that night, who by the way fell asleep crying again, I cried my heart out.

What am I doing to my child? Why am I such a terrible, terrible mother?

Then I realized that my daughter has been having bad dreams almost everyday since I gave birth. She's also always sick. And then she suffered from incontinence. And as I googled her symptoms, thinking of all the worst things, one common phrase popped up. All her symptoms pointed to one thing - my daughter has ANXIETY. Having a new sibling has taken it's toll on her. And that was confirmed by her pedia.

Of course I know that she's having a hard time adjusting to our life with her brother. She would always say she miss me. She would ask for my attention and would patiently wait until her brother is asleep just so I could give her 10 seconds of my time before her brother wakes up again. And I would cry and cry and cry out of frustration because I miss my daughter too. But this little boy has been taking so much of my love and my attention.

But that night, I realized how extra hard it must've been for my daughter. And that's also when I realized that I'm suffering from PPD and anxiety. (More on that on a different post.)

It is so difficult for me na aminin that I did all of those to my poor daughter. After all, as a blogger, sometimes I feel like people think we're perfect parents. And to be honest, the perfectionist in me can't accept the fact that I failed my daughter on this very difficult time.

I'm just glad that I have friends. Friends who helped me. I talk to my bestfriend (who unfortunately also suffers from anxiety). I talk to my blogger mum friends. They keep me sane. And my sanity is what my daughter needs.

I snapped back to reality that night and I hugged my daughter extra tight. After that, I bowed to be extra patient. We also went out on a date. Kahit sa malapit lang. Kahit saglit lang. I would leave my son to my aunt and would personally fetch my daughter sa school and then we'd get her favorite doughnuts and coffee for me. Then we'd talk. Laugh. Play. Until now I would still do that. We would go on quick dates and I would give her my attention. Her pedia also says that we have to make sure that if there are visitors, sa kanya muna bumati.

At home, if she's being difficult, I would hug her instead of shouting. Or I would hold her hand and talk to her. Of course I'm not perfect and I would still snap from time to time. Anyway, I still have PPD and anxiety. But I am making an extra effort to love my daughter more.

I also reminded the people around us to give more attention to my firstborn. Sabi nga ng pedia, dapat talaga mas unahin sya because mas nakakaintindi na sya. Nakaka-feel na ng selos. The baby is just okay. Padedehin lang yun at kargahin, okay na.

We would also constantly remind her that she is our number one. Our number one daughter. And the #GabMazing is our number one son. Eleven nga daw sila sabi nya. Funny thing is, despite having difficulty with processing that she has to share attention with her brother, never sya naging selfish. If I tell her that she's my number one, she would say "dapat number one mo din Gab kasi brother ko yan". If she noticed na napa-praning na naman ako at napagalitan ko sya, okay lang sa kanya but if she noticed na pati kapatid nya napapagalitan ko na din, she would say "why are you mad at my brother? Eh baby pa yan? Ako lang may fault diba? Ako lang makulit?".

Everytime my daughter would do that, I would feel so happy and proud and terrible at the same time. I am so blessed that I have a daughter as smart and kind as her. She also had difficulties but her big heart never wavers. Tapos praning pa Nanay nya.

Now, I noticed that my daughter is so much better. Hindi na naiihi sa panty. Hindi na din nag-iinarte masyado, minsan nalang. She would still say things like "di nyo na ako love, always nalang si Gab" but it is so much easier to pacify her now. Hindi na din masyado nag-bad dreams.

I'm glad that we were able to correct it right away at hindi na sya lumala. But everytime maaalala ko what I did, I still feel horrible. I still feel so bad.

I know everything will turn out okay really soon. But for now, I just wanna embrace the fact that I am a mum of two and I'm loving every single moment.

If you could also pray for us, most especially for me. PPD is no joke. And I never thought it'll hit me hard...

When It's Also Hard For Ate When It's Also Hard For Ate When It's Also Hard For Ate

10 comments :

  1. I miss you all! No one is perfect but by God's grace we will be guided to do what is right for our children. Tight hugs and see you soon Aubs!

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    1. Thank you sis. Isa ka sa mga nakakapagpabalik ng ulirat ko sa mundo. Salamat sa chats. See you soon!

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  2. The gap between my daughter and son is eight years. Yes, there are jealousies and adjustments between the two but when the love between them manifests, it’s magnificent to behold. Hang in there, mumshie. Your kids know that you love them and that you are doing your best.

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    1. Thank you so much for this. And yes, my daughter loves her brother so so so much kahit na nahirapan sya on the first few months. I hope they grow up really close.

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  3. Beautiful post! Helpful sa amin ng wife ko to especially now that we are expecting another baby, although our firstborn is just 16 months old.

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    1. Thank you. Mahirap talaga mag balance, pero magagawa natin because we love our children so much.

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  4. Awwww, cyberhuuuuugs, sis! Proud of Skye! Such a gentle, kind, and forgiving soul. Know that this too shall pass. God is good. Kapit lang. 😊

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    1. Thank you sis!! Oo nga eh. I am super proud of her. Despite having difficulties and a little selos, never sya naging selfish. Iba ang laki ng puso ng anak ko. Sana hanggang pagtanda ganun.

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  5. Tin RubianoJune 12, 2019

    Nice post Aubs. Sobrang relate ako :) Hirap talaga i balance ang time sa kids may selosan talaga.

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    1. Kaya nga eh. Lalo na for the #FabSkye na matagal na baby.

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