It's So Tiring, Being Queen


My life lately is kinda overwhelming. Honestly, I feel stuck. I feel lost. I feel scared. I feel weird.

There are things that I wish I have but I know I could never have. There are things that I wish didn't do but at the same time, I'm glad I did.

I've been thinking about my life choices and how crazy everything has been. But I know that without those crazy life choices, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I've always been proud of what I have become. Probably because God knows I've worked hard to be where I am now. My life was never easy. I've made loads of mistakes. But if there's one thing I am proud of is the fact that I always own up to those mistakes.

I remembered a blog post by my best friend several years ago, she said that I'm spontaneous. That I always managed to stand by my choices. And yes, "standing, but most of the time crying".

I am someone who loves breaking the rules. Breaking the norms.

During one of my conversations with some very good friends, they said that my strength is that I'm fearless.

Oh God I wish I am! Fearless. But I am not. My heart is full of fear.

But I was raised to be strong. I grew up strong. And I've always had this love-hate relationship with my strong personality.

People think that I am as strong as a rock. People think that they could never hurt me because I never showed them that they could. And some people just try harder. And most of the time they win. They just don't know that they did win because I am too stubborn to admit defeat.

Sometimes I wish that I am this damsel in distress kind of girl. A princess. A soft spoken, kind  and mej tanga kind of girl. Because sometimes, I want to be saved. I want to be taken cared of. I want to be pampered.

But my life is never like that. I have always taken control of my life. I always carry people on my shoulder. I am always a Queen.

And while I love it, it could also get tiring.

Oh how I miss those days when I could simply pour my heart on a blog post. No fear. No shame. No worries. I would write what I feel and be done with it. I was never afraid because no one reads me anyway. Well, my best friend does. But whatevs. Hahahaha!

I guess there some days when you're not okay. And while there are still loads of things to be thankful for, I guess it's okay to dwell on the not okay things once in a while. And put them into writing.

Being Queen is so tiring...

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