The Bipolar Me

Tuesday, July 26, 2016
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These set of photos are taken at the very beautiful Laurel’s Garden and Museum when we visited the Laurels last month.

Ang taba kooooo!!! Honestly. I don’t know anymore what to do with this body. We’re still breastfeeding! 29 months strong. So I guess I could still use that excuse on why I’m still this bumpy and bulky. But then again, utang uta na ko sa kaka-explain sa lahat ng tao na hindi ako buntis. Even the #FabSkye would always kiss my “big tummy” and talk to the “baby”. Nagkamalay kasi sya nung buntis ang sister ko. So for her, big tummy = baby inside. And so she would always say that I have a baby inside my big tummy. Ewan ko nalang talaga!

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I super miss my old body. I tried to do zumba with my mother early this year but I can’t sustain it because of the schedule. We attended the zumba class near our place but they would usually start at around 8AM until 9AM’ish or later.

Too late for this mummy who has to prepare for work, prepare the #FabSkye’s baon (yes! she’s attending nursery school already, more about that later) and try to keep up with parenting, working and being a human being.

I was thinking of downloading some zumba videos for me and Mila. Mila’s also into zumba but lately, she can’t join because she has to take care of my sister’s daughter. If you know any downloadable zumba videos, let me know! Comment or PM please. Ang bigat bigat ko na kasi. Pre-obese na ko.

Anyway, this post is not supposed to be a rant about my weight. Nawala na naman ako. Yan ang hirap pag personal post eh. Kung ano ano nakukwento ko. Nyahahaha!

So ayun nga. I’m here to share about my “bipolar-ness”. Okay, to set things clear, I am not medically diagnosed bipolar, okay? Feeling ko lang bipolar ang lola nyo these days.

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If you know me very well, you’d agree with me that I am always on the extremes. Maybe that’s the gemini in me. I have two sides and I play them really well. But lately, ibang level ng bipolar talaga ito.

I have a toddler now. We all know that a toddler is like a sponge. They absorb everything. They imitate everything. And so we are being extra careful around the house.

Usually ako, pag galit ako I really shout. I have to let it all out. Sanay na sila sa bahay sa akin. But then I had the #FabSkye. I noticed that she would also shout even if she’s not frustrated. I am okay with her shouting if I can see that she’s really frustrated on something pero pag wala lang tapos naninigaw? Aba! Face the wall sya!

But then I would realize that it’s my fault actually. She saw me shout and so she would think that it’s okay. So now, I am making extra effort not to shout in front of her. Alam mo yung pudpod na ipin ko kakapigil sumigaw? Ganun! And if you know my husband well, alam nyo bakit gigil na gigil akong manigaw lagi. Lakas mang asar nun eh!

I have to show that I am smiling kahit deep inside gusto ko ng magbuga ng apoy na gigil. Sometimes I would go out just to stomp my feet without my child seeing it. Nakakabaliw pala yun. Especially for someone like me who’s really all out in showing her feelings.

May iba pa bang Nanay dito na kagaya ko? O kelangan ko na nga patingin sa doctor?

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Nakakabaliw talaga ang pagiging Nanay. Just the other night, I spanked my daughter. Not naman as in palo, gulpi levels. Just one spank. And it’s the first time I did it. Nagulat lang talaga ako. Nagulat din ang anak ko. I put an ointment kasi on her wound na kinamot nya. I told her not to scratch it but right after putting the ointment, she scratched it. Nainis ako and I spanked her. Just one spank. But the moment she cried, I cried too.

Hindi ko kinaya. She was crying but she’s trying to stifle her cries. Because I would always tell her to stop crying when I’m making her face the wall. Pero naawa ako. She wants to cry so much, probably because nasaktan sya and nagulat. But she doesn’t want to cry because she doesn’t want me to get even more mad. Maya maya, she went to me. Hugged me. Then said “I’m sorry Nanay!”. I cried. I can't help it. I really cried and said sorry too. She is such a forgiving child. She said "It's okay, Nanay.".

Hay! Naiiyak ako as I type this. I could still remember her face and the way she said sorry. After that incident, I vowed never to hurt my daughter again. I did it once and up until this moment I regret it. Ewan ko talaga san kumukuha ng tibay ng sikmura ang mga magulang na nananakit ng anak.

When I told Mila about the incident, pinagalitan ako ng bongga. So I had to remind her na sya nga, sinturon, hanger, patpat at tsinelas ang pinaggugulpi sa amin noon!! Kalurks! Kung hindi laging to the rescue ang lola ko, feeling ko Bantay Bata levels ang gulpi namin. Hahaha!

Tapos ako, isang tampal lang kung makapagsalita sya akala mo nagkapasa ang apo nya. Ewan ko nalang talaga.

Anyway, ang point ko is. I really think the reason why snapped that time is because I’ve been keeping my feelings for so long. Pigil na pigil kasi ako. I’ve been very successful in trying to be patient with my child. Promise! I never thought ganito kahaba ang pasensya ko. Pero honestly, mahihiya si Mother Theresa sa akin. Joke lang syempre pero it feels like that. Kaso I really have to vent out din from time to time. Seriously.

See? Ganyan kahirap maging Nanay. Nakaka-praning.

Ang taba ko na nga, kelangan ko pang pigilan ang gigil ko sa mundo. Hindi ka ba naman masisiraan ng bait nyan? Haaaaaayy!

Thank God I have bestfriends. Really! With all this crazy things I’ve been experiencing, talking to my bestfriends never fail to keep me sane. Our everyday chismis is my sanity saver. I love that I could vent out my frustrations to them without the need to filter myself.

Alam mo yung, ang sarap sarap magmura sa chat? I could say whatever I want to say without worrying kung ija-judge ba ko neto. Having my bestfriends at this time of my life is probably one of the best things. Buti nalang I have real bestfriends. Ilang piraso lang sila (yung isa lagi pang wala) but they are my sanity saver.

So that’s probably my advise to all new mums out there. Be tight with your bestfriends. You will need them pag bipolar ka na! Hahahaha! Pero wag ka din pumulot lang ng "bestfriend" sa kung saan saan ah. Dun ka sa talagang di ka ija-judge at kilalang kilala ka. Promise!

villa-laurel-reigningstill (3)Shirt: H&M | Shorts: Uniqlo | Running Shoes: Sketchers

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