Because I am a worry freak…

Wednesday, September 18, 2013
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Motherhood just turned me into a worry freak. I worry all the freakin’ time! And not just that, I am also nasty and moody. I am just so glad that I am surrounded by people who truly love me and understands that being pregnant is difficult. And though you wanna be sunshiny and happy for the baby, those hormones just kick in and you are turned into a nasty pregnant monster.

What really gets into my nerves are those random people who’d tell me things like “wag kang sisimangot papanget anak mo” or “wag kang laging galit, magiging magagalitin anak mo paglabas”. I mean, come on! Do you actually know what you’re talking about??! Do you know how difficult it is to experience morning sickness that you just wanna curl up into your bed and lie down but you can’t because you have to go to work? Do you know that most of the time even tiniest, littlest things just makes me explode even if I don’t want to? Do you actually understand that a pregnant woman is an emotional mess? I used to think that being pregnant is easy. But now I understand that pregnancy is something VERY serious.

It’ll change you. It’s true. It will. It’ll affect you not just physically but emotionally and psychologically as well. It’ll change the whole you. And it’s NOT EASY.

That’s why I really thank my bestfriend for introducing me to this blogger named Frances of Topaz Mommy. I read her blog from the very first entry and just got addicted to it. She is a writer and a blogger. But she started Topaz Mommy when she realized that she is pregnant with her first child – the now 2 year old Vito.

I love Frances’ honesty. She made me realize that I am not the only nasty, moody pregnant woman in the world. She is as moody as I am. And she is very honest in telling everyone (all her readers) that she doesn’t always feel great. I mean, I am VERY happy YES! I am thrilled and excited for this baby but I am also worried. I am tired. I hate the vomiting and the nausea and the painful breasts and the backaches. I hate that I am hungry all the time but I can’t eat my heart out because I am afraid that I’ll throw up after. I hate that I now have to check every label of every food that I take making sure that I don’t ingest anything bad for my fetus. I hate that I can’t wear my lovely clothes because they don’t fit me anymore. I hate that I can’t wear my beautiful heels. I hate all of those but I love it at the same time because all of those are for little Peanut who I love deeply.

I’m just really thankful that those people who matters most are those people who understands.

I have a very patient boyfriend. The baby daddy has been the recipient of countless mood swings but he always made me feel loved. He’d take all the mood swings and would try to make me laugh.

I have a very loving and patient mother. I am not the type of daughter who throws tantrums all the time. Hindi pwede yan kay Mila, mamamatay ka sa kaka-tantrums pero hindi ka nya papansinin. But now I do! Throw tantrums, I mean. Walang food? Iiyak na ko tapos magdadabog. While Mila would patiently ask me what I want and would cook food for me. She would patiently clean up my arinola, which I am now a proud owner because our bathroom is downstairs and I pee all the freakin’ time.

I have a very understanding siblings. I am not really the mataray big sister but now I am. Lagi ko silang napapagalitan but they’d just understand. They’d just leave me alone if I am being an emotional mess once again. And those are exactly what I need.

I have very understanding team mates. They know that my brain is scattered in the morning due to morning sickness so they won’t really bother me. They’d pick up anything that I’d drop. They’d listen to my endless reklamo of the masasakit in my body. If I have topak, they’d just let me be. They don’t take it against me at all. They understand that I am having a difficult time and would let me gather myself. They’d give me food if I’m hungry. Would accompany me if I wanna buy food myself. I am just truly lucky.

I have a best friend who I vent into. I would talk to her tapos magagalit kami pareho sa mundo. Sa mga Napoles, kay Bong, kay Jinggoy, sa mga senador, sa sirang kalye, sa mga inggitera sa paligid, sa lahat! She’d get angry with me and I love it. Since she’s my bestfriend I could tell her what I truly feel without worrying if I sound too nasty already. And then we’d just laugh it out.

I know people would say that it’s negative vibes. I used to think like that as well. During the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I wouldn’t allow myself to show my mood swings kasi nga masama daw for the child pero I realized it’s not right. I need to have some outlet. Coz I end up worrying some more. I noticed also that the more I allow myself to show everyone what I truly feel, the more happy and content I feel inside.

I am not a super mom. These hormones are kicking in and has been turning my life upside down. I maybe moody but that doesn’t make me a bad mother or an ungrateful woman. Can’t I be grateful and be a monster at the same time?

They say that whatever you feel reflects to the child inside you. I am happy most of the time and I am contented and my heart is full of love. I think my little peanut is feeling the exact same thing. And I think my peanut understands that sometimes, Nanay just don’t feel like smiling or laughing. And that’s probably okay….

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