sONgs Of mY hEaRt

Tuesday, July 10, 2007
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talked to Matt awhile ago..i am trying to decipher this situation that i brought myself into...i was trying to make myself believe that i am REALLY doing the wrong thing..that Bhe-bhe and I should actually put a stop onto this WRONG doing...

i was trying to see the PLAYBOY Matt..the one who would make me believe that there is really no future waiting for me and ian..that like Matt- he'll just use me and then drop me like a hot potato..the one i am certain that Matt would do to Bhe-bhe..

and i feel so stupid coz i actually see the REAL HIM!!i even undesrtand him...and the worst is - i believed in him..and it lights up a little fire in my heart..the fire of hope..now, i am actually believing that Ian meant what he said...that he really likes me and that what he's doing is actually because he likes me for who i am and for what i am...

like what Matt said: we never planned this! it just happened and then everything seems like a sudden whirlwind..i was taken! i was  blown out!!!! and worst- i fell!!!

how can i stop this when this is the one thing that made me happy?!!! when this is the only thing that brought smiles to me...

the difficult part is: i know this is insanely wrong! and i am actually allowing myself to do the wrong thing...

what am i trying to do now?!!!!how can i stop if my heart and soul was shouting for me to continue?!!!this is getting ridiculous..i am insane!! and for the second time...i am being stupid because of LOVE!

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